she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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