I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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