I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
