We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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