from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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