and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
