A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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