HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
