I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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