i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
