a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
