I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
