She is in my trunk
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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