Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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