we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
