Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
