I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize