i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
