Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
