she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
