so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
