My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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