So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
There r osticjed everywhere
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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