i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
