You made me cry and you don't even care
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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