I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
