We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
