dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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