I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Me too!
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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