Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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