It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The best revenge is premature balding
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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