no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
