So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
