Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
