And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
