I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
