Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
