She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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