I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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