Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
