Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
