im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
