just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
