I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
