i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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