i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
