you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
