she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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