I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
