I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
