Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
