I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
