my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
