my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I wear drunk well.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
