Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
