I met the friendliest cop last night
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Randomize
