I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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