Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
it hurts more in the daytime
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
