i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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