I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
