Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize