The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
