I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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