as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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