please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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