I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
