We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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