This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
